Rightfully So

I happen to be out on Friday evening. This was a quirk all by itself. But that was just the beginning of my Odyssey. Evidently the Christmas season has started and a few thousand people decided to check out the mall last night.

Some folks may have a little trouble understanding the wonder with which I observe the happenings of the season. You see usually, I get my shopping done online or I get my wife to do it. Obviously, I take my kids out sometime near the Christmas holiday and we shop for Mommy’s presents, but this is well into December and I expect that it will be a long and arduous process. This is the one outing that I am willing to put up with that. Luckily birthday shopping is not during a season that brings folks out of the woodwork.

I will admit that I have seen this phenomenon before. Back when I was young, I might have been seen on multiple occasions out shopping. I would see little kids crying about being tired and hot. I would see mothers, daughters and sisters comparing deals. I would hear the tinkling of bells and the sounds of Christmas songs. What I saw last night was barely related.

First of all, this is clearly outside the official mob season. The way the world is supposed to work is that the day after Thanksgiving, a bunch of crazy people all meet up at 5:00Cm at their local commercial establishments and fight over material possessions that no one wants. For approximately one month, crazy people continue to flock to these stores. A few days after Christmas sanity breaks through and people begin to return things that they don’t need. In the mean time, every one in America gains 10 pounds (which they may use as a resolution one week later).

What I saw last night was weird. I fought for a parking spot 3 blocks away and started my hike to the store I was ordered to go to. As I emerged from the parking area I heard the clip-clop of hooves. A horse was pulling an open carriage with a couple taking a ride. I thought this was quaint and went about my business. As I progressed through the streets, I saw 2 more carriages. This actually put a smile on my face. I thought that was just a part of history, but it turns out, a little bit of the quiet life still continues ($10 a piece or $15 per couple).

Then I got into the store. There were people of all ages walking around and smiling. I was at one particular retailer and got quite a surprise. A young gentleman was interested in purchasing a video game. The merchant behind the counter, instead of just mindlessly bagging merchandise, decided to interact with the public. The merchant examined the prospective game and saw that it is required that a person be over 17 to purchase. He actually asked the kid for an ID. When the kid sheepishly said no, the merchant kept the game and told the kid he wouldn’t sell the game.

Here is another oddity. I went into a techie store and saw as many women as men. In fact, I saw entire gangs of estrogen roaming the store testing out the gadgets and pondering purchases. This is a bit awkward question to ask, but does this mean that there are attractive women geeks who are now socially acceptable? Does this mean that we man geeks are now safe to show up at the dance clubs? I think I fear change.

The evening was not all shock and awe. In fact I noticed one change that I found quite pleasant. There was more cleavage than I remember, and rightfully so.

OK, so there are a few sad things that you might learn from this article. I get most of my tv comedy and all of my tv news from the Daily show. Perhaps this is not the way things ought to be but it is the way things are. The Daily show can go from high brow political humor to making sophomoric jokes about the male anatomy in one fell swoop. They can get Mike Wallace or Gweneth Paltrow to come on their show to pimp their latest book. They can inform me about the electorate without causing deep depression. I am a Jon Stewart/Daily show junkie.
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I am not one who is easily flapped. I have been to many different parts of these United States and even parts on the other side of the world. I have seen scary people in foreign airports. I have walked through abject poverty. I changed diapers filled with material heretofore unknown to man. Despite all of these facts, I was taken aback and disturbed today.
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In a move long anticipated by Hollywood hooter hounds, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts this week signed a contract with 20th Century Fox Studios. The deal is reportedly worth $30 million and calls for Hewitt’s knockers to make three films with the studio over the next six years.

“We’re extremely pleased to make this announcement,” said Sy Sheinberg, head of the T&A Talent agency. “Ms. Hewitt’s jugs are easily the hardest working mammaries in the industry, and we feel this deal will garner the twins wider exposure and recognition they so deserve.”
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I went to my first college football game in 15 years this fall. Before I went, I was chastised when I asked how much a beer is at the game. Apparently, they don’t serve beer at college football games! I was stunned. If college taught me anything it was that alcohol is an important part of the learning process.

We hear about the party schools, but I never knew Yale and Harvard were such places. Apparently, during their annual face-off, in the past there would be as many people inside the stadium as there were in the parking lot. Now, administrators are cracking down on this behavior.
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Don’t make this kid watch Deuce Bigalow 3.

Hollywood announced earlier this week that the Earth’s supply of original movie ideas may run out within the decade. This announcement has sent shock waves through the movie industry, an industry that brings in at least 4 gillion dollars every year. While the general public was unaware of the drop in reserves, some activists within the industry have been aware of the problem since the mid 80s. “We saw the danger back then and did everything we could to preserve original ideas. Do you think the world really wanted seven Police Academy movies?” stated Tom Careguy of the ASR (Association of Sequels and Remakes). The ASRs warnings fell mostly on deaf ears back then but in recent years the organization has tripled in size and consults with all the major studios.

2005 saw a boom of movies based on TV shows such as Bewitched, Dukes of Hazzard and The Honeymooners. These are all a result of Hollywood trying to preserve the few original thoughts it has left. Another method of conservation is a remake, such as the upcoming movie Zathura which is a remake of the 1995 movie Jumanji. “Remakes are the easiest, you don’t even have to hire writers you just need one guy to go through the script and replace all the characters’ names.” said Careguy. “For Zathura all we had to do was replace the word ‘Africa’ with the word ’space’.

So the next time you go out to see American Pie Band Camp, just think of the original movie idea that may have been preserved for your kids to watch someday.

In 21st century America, it is of course unnecessary to say that respect for humanity has taken its rightful place atop the list of tenets by which we live. Why, even your twenty-year-old manager at “Chickn Skinz” with two hyperactive children, an overweight spouse, a drug problem and no self-esteem knows he must subordinate his suicidal notions to ensure that his employees are treated with dignity and respect.

Yet in Hollywood, some have apparently yet to learn the lesson by which the rest of the country lives. It’s no stretch to imagine directors sixty years ago such as John Ford repeatedly putting their actors in physical danger or berating their skills in front of others so as to elicit the emotion necessary to capture that perfect shot. But today, for whatever reason, that lesson is only slowly taking hold in Tinseltown, a place where one would expect such values to have taken root long ago.

Which is why we were so glad to hear the accolades being foisted upon director Cameron Crowe. The helmer’s trademark style of putting his actors at ease has generated some of recent Hollywood’s most celebrated screen characters. Who else but a nurturing mentor could have taken Tom Cruise, worn down and nearly bankrupt from years of mistreatment at the hands of brutish directors who forced him to make awful, unsuccessful films, and coaxed him back to super-stardom in “Jerry McGuire,” where he was finally able to achieve the fame and fortune he deserved? It’s no wonder, then, that the heretofore desperate stars of Crowe’s new film “Elizabethtown” are reacting as though they’ve been given new life.

Kirsten Dunst was already famous, rich and beautiful when she signed on to “Elizabethtown,” but says she took the role for the chance to get the one thing she and all other actors clamor for: respect.

“Cameron is like a friend,” says Dunst from the comfort of her personal trailer. “I go to the set and my favorite music is playing. Between takes he’s making sure I’m comfortable and relaxed. It’s hardly like work at all.” Were it not for directors such as Crowe, of whom there are admittedly few, she says, “acting would be a real chore.” Indeed, Crowe was not the slightest bit miffed at the late arrival on set by Dunst who had been forced to personally telephone Los Angeles to ask a friend to call her assistant to notify her maid to fire her dog-walker.

In addition to the rigors of being told what to wear, what to say, where to stand, when to show up and occasionally having their picture taken, movie stars certainly don’t need the added stress of having a grumpy boss. “E-town” star Orlando Bloom adheres to this philosophy, saying that having a boss who’s also a friend gave him a taste of the kind of professional working atmosphere the rest of America has been enjoying for so long. Occasionally giggling due to the inexperience of his pedicurist, Bloom tells how a previous film set was fraught with tension because the director was less than friendly.

“He only wanted to do things his way. He didn’t want any input from the actors and treated us like ignorant underlings. Can you imagine how that made me feel? If corporate America was run that way, the people would riot and the very structure of our society would come unraveled. It’s a marvel that Hollywood manages to function at all.”

Shuttled to the set on an immense downy pillow resting atop an ivory chariot guided by God’s own angels so as not to accost the star with the slightest bump or bruise, Bloom is lifted into a chair where he undergoes the tortuous ordeal of having makeup applied. This excruciating but necessary evil not only makes the sex-symbol’s skin appear flawless, but reminds the viewing audience just how gruesome and shameful our own normal visages are when compared to our Hollywood betters.

Even those with smaller roles in the film, such as “Sexiest Woman Alive” Jessica Biel, are enamored of the director. Biel, whose perfect body is the object of envy and lust worldwide, said working for so long with no reward other than fame and riches had taken its toll, making her all the more grateful for the chance to work with Crowe. “He just naturally puts you at ease,” said Biel, who still received millions of dollars for her role even though her actual screen time was cut to less than one second and consists solely of the partial line “Sni…” “He really cares about his actors, unlike some directors. I’ve been on movies where the only way I could make it through the day was to remind myself that afterwards I could escape to my house of spun gold in the Hollywood hills where I would bathe in a pool of rejuvenating tears from the mythical Phoenix. And even then I sometimes had trouble shrugging off the memory of the literally two hours I’d spent slaving on that set.”

At the end of it all, the coddling, hand-holding and ego-stroking the rest of us take for granted at work is sure to result in a motion picture people will revere for decades. For all of their hard work - speaking for several seconds at a time, rushing from the set after each take to prevent the camera lights from damaging their God-given beauty, and perhaps even deigning to sign an autograph for one of the very vermin who forks over ten percent of his weekly paycheck for a ticket that helps justify their own orgiastic pay days – these actors will be rewarded with a gift far beyond the money, drugs, rampant sex and freedom from personal responsibility they already enjoy. They will receive the gift of a beautiful memory, one that will last a lifetime, or at least until the film is panned by critics and they are forced to save face by blaming Crowe for his lack of vision. Until that time, though, their surgically modified titanium super-hearts will be warmed by the memory of the brief, shining moment when they were at last treated like the rest of us.