For decades, our nation has been wringing its collective hands over pre-marital sex, teen sex, and children born out of wedlock in an effort to eliminate the senseless socio-economic upheaval and tragic loss of human potential.
Efforts to combat this problem include health and disease awareness, counseling, and free condoms.
Of course, these actions only treat the symptoms of the sex problem, so a lot of effort also goes into early education. If a generation of kids learns the perils of sex at an early age, so the thinking goes, they’ll grow up into non-promiscuous adults.
It is this education route that I think holds the most promise for success, but I don’t think awareness programs go far enough. It is insufficient, in my opinion, for kids to merely have a healthy fear of casual intercourse; we need to cultivate a sense of loathing.
The modern American education system has plenty of experience in generating loathing in students and I suggest that we leverage this ability for a constructive war on sex. Think of your school-child years, and think of all of the things you learned to loathe: the cliques, the spirit assemblies, athletics, homework, tests.
Ah yes… homework and tests. How better to cause a pupil to hate something than by requiring homework and threatening with a test?
Among me and my friends, the most dreaded homework assignment was the book report. Before I could even start on the report, I would have to plow my way through some inscrutible, symbolism-infested, several-hundred-year-old tome, which I had absolutely no hope of understanding. Frequently, I would rely on my friend Cliff to get the job done.
And, even when I did manage to get the gist of a particular opus, it had no specific relevance for my adolescent self. What young person can wrap his or her mind around adultery as in The Scarlet Letter, or the irony of Eustacia Clementine as in The Return of the Native, or whatever the hell Thanatopsis is about as in Thanatopsis?
The end result of enduring these seemingly-endless years of senseless reading, reading and more reading, is, that as an adult, I fucking hate to read!!!!!!
So, let’s channel this hate for the good of a new generation. I propose that future school curricula include years and years of sex reports. Each semester, students would be required to fool around in a variety of ways, and then write reports about the experiences.
Imagine the conversation that would ensue in the school corridors:
Tyler: Dude, I was up all night playing World of Warcraft, and never got around to whacking off for tomorrow’s test.
Dakota: Man, I gotta do a circle jerk? We just did a whole section on group sex last month, and homos the month before. Now we’re doin’ ‘em both?
Kayla: Ohmigod, like, me and Caitlin were at the mall, and, we’re all, like, looking for Zack and whatever, and, then, like, Kyle and Gabe met us at Sunglass Hut, and, we’re all like, ‘Don’t go there,’ and we’ve got the soccer game on Friday, and the big sixty-nine test, and Nate and Abbey were watching Survivor instead having butt-sex in her bedroom like they were supposed to, and, ohmigod, Mr. Crandall gave us a pop quiz on dildoes, and I’m, like, all bummed out or whatever, ’cause I, like, totally didn’t study, and then Mackenzie and Cameron…