One Friday night in April 1997, an unsexy Ohio State University student named Corinne Stankencooch went dancing and met a young Sigma Nu named Zac. The two of them drank and danced until two o’clock, then returned to Corinne’s apartment where they made sweet, inebriated love and passed out, Corinne’s head resting on the man’s arm. Before Corinne came to in the morning, the man had chewed off his own arm and fled, never to be seen again. She never even learned his last name.
Corinne’s life has not been the same since. She spent thousands of dollars of her own money to have her case tried in the Ohio courts, and in the process became a pariah in fraternity houses all over the country while being lauded as a trailblazer by women’s groups. Ultimately, the court ruled that men are not compelled by law to wake up their partners before leaving the morning after a drunken hook up.
Corinne was devastated, but she would not quit. Now, after eight years of unsuccesful appeals, numerous death threats, an unauthorized biography and a hastily thrown together CBS Movie of the Week starring Nicole Ritchie, her last hope lies in the hands of the nine most powerful judiciary figures in America.
“This isn’t about me,” says the woefully plain looking 29 year old as she adjusts her nerd glasses for the hundredth time. “It’s about simple decency and every woman’s right to have time to cuddle and a little conversation, if she so desires.”
Corinne’s battle has galvanized opinion like no case in recent memory. The leader of one pro-wake-up group, or “Wakers,” argues that failing to wake up one’s sexual partner and making a stealthy getaway “violates the promise the two souls made to each other while committing the sacred act of love.”
On the opposite side, “Chewers” argue that if the woman wants to talk or learn the man’s name, she ought to do that before they have sex. “All this ’sacred act’ and ‘promises between two hearts’ is a bunch of girlie fairy tale crap.” says Iowa State Junior Ty Buffington. “If they still believe all that goody-two-shoes stuff, why are they out there on the dance floor all drunk and shakin’ it like a freakin’ peacock in heat?”
Corrine realizes that the Supreme Court battle will be a close one. If the court votes along typical party lines, she stands to win a slim victory with the majority of conservatives on the bench. The wild-card may turn out to be Justice Clarence Thomas. A social conservative yet self-professed man-whore, Thomas could side with Corinne if he decides to follow the usual conservative facade of being all moral and righteous about sex. However, a vote against the Chewers could make it difficult for Thomas the next time he goes to the club for a round of good old-fashioned sexual boasting and belittling women.
“Justice Thomas is in a tight spot,” says one Washington insider. “Everyone remembers the allegations during his confirmation hearings that he chewed off his own arm once when he was a young law-clerk. He wiggled out of it because a friend of the family who was also a judge testified Thomas did it to keep a raquetball date. But the rumors persist that he did it because he panicked when he saw he’d passed out underneath a seriously fugly she-cow.”
By the end of the week one side will feel vindicated while the other is disappointed. Will the ruling mark the beginning of a new era when men are trapped into divulging their full names and phone numbers, making awkward chit-chat while continually glancing at their watches? Or will we continue to see armless, hungover young men staggering terrified across campus commons as they flee from the repulsive trolls they mistakenly bedded the night before?
Faced with the setbacks of the insurgency with the Iraqi war, the army is looking at using the arch nemesis of commuters everywhere, the orange construction barrel.
Thanks to the earth shattering journalism from the Associated Press and CNN, we finally find out the answer to the question that has been bothering the world for five years,