Rightfully So

The scene outside the Elk’s Lodge in Sloan, Iowa was straight out of a movie: Secret Service agents hurriedly ushering a terrified, frazzled President of the United States through a crazed mob, forcing him into the back of a limousine that then sped away to safety. But this was no Hollywood fiction: this was real life, and President Bush undoubtedly hopes it never gets so real again.

It was an ignoble end to what started off as a pleasant photo opportunity for the President as he begins his yearlong “Look At Me, I’ve Been President For Eight Years And I Didn’t Run The Country Into The Ground” tour. Members of the local Philosopher’s Union 142 had scored quite a coup by being the first stop on the POTUS jag. But the erstwhile farmer-thinkers had serious questions for Mr. Bush, and from all apperances, the leader of the free world was caught off guard.

Wearing his now standard jewel-studded crown and wife-beater t-shirt with PREZ emblazoned across the front, Mr. Bush gave a brief speech about the good people of Iowa and how their corn-fueled moonshine had seen him through some rough times in his younger years. This was apparently all that had been scheduled for the event, but the President was in such a good mood that he waved off his handlers and recognized a burly fellow in the back row who raised his hand for a question.

“Mr. President,” the man said, nervously stroking a walrus moustache and adjusting his John Deere baseball cap as he prepared to address the most powerful man on the planet, “My name is Henry Jacobs, I have 400 acres over to the south side of the county. We’re gettin’ by but I do have some concerns for the future. Namely, how do we reconcile Russian geo-constructo-criticism with the obvious dialectical fallacies of Billingham’s axiom of internal dualism?”

President Bush stared blankly for a second. “Oh, if you mean Senator Blandingham’s farm bill, I can assure you…”

“No sir, not Senator Blandingham, I’m referring to Alexander Billingham, from the University of Chicago. His theory of internal dualism? Man’s bi-consciousness and it’s effect upon our perceptions of self? It’s in direct conflict with this latest trend in Russia. It has me worried.”

Soon another man, this one a wiry young man wearing a cowboy hat, stood up. “I agree Mr. President. It’s going to be tough for us farmers if we’re caught in the middle of another classic Swillinger’s Hammock. Especially with my bad back and all.” This elicited a chuckle from the crowd.

Witnesses say the President began to sweat and uttered his trademark nervous laugh. “Wow, uh, I thought you boys were going to be speakin’ English. Don’t you want to ask me something about 9/11?”

A weary looking old gentlement in the front row stood up with the help of his cane. The others in the room seemed to give deference to him and allowed him several silent moments to refill his tobacco plug. “I have a question about 9/11 Mr. President,” the man said. “Do you adhere to the ideas of the German Jurgen Habermas who believes that economic entities threaten to colonize our life-world, or do you side with the Frenchman Derrida and his theory that our response to terror is an auto-immune sickness that only makes the terror problem worse?”

In a flash, all the farmers were on their feet shouting questions at the President. Over the crowd one could here Mr. Bush valiantly trying to answer their questions with proclomations of “Permanent tax cuts!” and “Mission Accomplished!” But within seconds the scene was out of control. Security Agents swiftly removed the President as he was followed by a crowd of thoughtful farmers asking the kinds of questions that have no answers. No word yet on whether the President resorted to his usual tough-day remedy of having his memory erased and replaced with images of that t.v. movie of “The Facts of Life” where they go to France.

WorldNetDaily: Satellites will help Mexicans sneak in:

Illegal aliens crossing the U.S.-Mexico border will reportedly be given handheld satellite devices by Mexican authorities to help them survive their illicit journey.

Wouldn’t it just be easier to rent them a bus or something?

Like the blue team taking over a territory in a game of Domination on Unreal Tournament, the Democrats took over the House of Representatives in elections yesterday. The Democrats needed to do well in these midterms because it counts for 40% of their final grade and if they get academic probation again they would lose their scholarship and have to go back to working at Burger King and mowing lawns in the summer. However, like a frat guy bringing up the story about the time you peed yourself at a party to a girl that seemed totally into you, the Democrat win was cockblocked by the announcement of Britney Spears getting a divorce from Kevin Federline. “She could have left that loser anytime but she chose election day?” remarked Representative Tom Cutandrun. “This was supposed to be our big day and she stole our thunder,” said Senator Chip Gaymarriagerulz. When asked about the timing of her divorce filing Spears responded “Didn’t we just have an election last year? What’s a Democrat?” We will keep you updated on both these tragedies as they develop and rightfully so.

John Kerry, who you may remember from the 2004 Presidential election or from when he played Lurch in the 1960s TV show The Addams Family, has returned from obscurity this week ready to try his hand at the world of stand-up comedy. Kerry was trying out some of his new material at a campaign event for a fellow Democrat. Many comedians have a catch phrase or hook like Jeff Foxworthy’s “you might be a redneck” or Larry The Cable Guy’s “Git-R-Done” and Kerry is fallowing in their footsteps with his tagline “you get stuck in Iraq.” “Stay in school and get an education, or you get stuck in Iraq.” This joke has caused some controversy among military personnel but Kerry says people need to deal with it. “I want to be one of those edgy comics like Dave Chapelle or Carlos Mencia.” Kerry remarked. Some of his other jokes from the night included, “If you got rejected from a job at Wal-Mart because your SAT scores were too low, you get sent to Iraq. If illegal immigrants correct your grammar, you get sent to Iraq.” Reviews of Kerry’s performance were definitely mixed. “I don’t know what’s more offensive, the jokes’ content or the fact that they aren’t funny,” said internet critic Ken Opinionface. Democrat Oliver Liberalstein responded, “I thought his set was hilarious, he really zinged Bush.. or the troops… or whoever that was directed towards.” Kerry says the event was a learning experience and that he will work on his material before his next public appearance, or he’ll disappear back into obscurity. One of those two things.

Someone has finally put into words how half the nation felt after November 2nd, 2004.

As the 2006 elections come to their inevitable conclusion, Howard Dean has decided to take up cat herding through the military:

The Democratic leadership has decided that instead of focusing on only a couple of issues, the Democrats will be all things to all people.

What this currently means is unclear. Apparently, health, taxes, education, and the war in Iraq is not enough. The Democrats will be releasing a 1,000 slide PowerPoint discussing their platforms, including such items such as the correct order of putting on shoes and socks (do you put both socks on first, and then shoes, or do you put one sock/one shoe and then the other) and

Karl Rove, leading Republican strategist, declined to comment. Rove, who in past has been able to get Republicans elected through sheer thought and animal sacrifices, has been having doubts in his ability. “People are too focused with Iraq… I don’t understand, it’s over 6,500 miles away. We have starving Republican legislators who need to be re-elected!”

Right now there is a debate going on in Congress over what to do about all the illegal immigrants coming into the U.S. from Mexico. As with most debates, neither the Republicans nor the Democrats asked me what to do in this situation. No one wants these aliens to take away jobs from American workers so all we have to do is give them a job nobody else wants, personal butlers. Richie Rich, Batman, The Fresh Prince, they all had butlers and now its time the middle class gets them too. Under my plan each illegal immigrant would be issued suit and then shipped out to a middle class family. There they could do simple tasks that you don’t want to do like cleaning, cooking, bringing you drinks and organizing your Sega cartridges. Never again would you have to take out the trash or run out to the store in the middle of the night because you are craving pancakes. There are still some details to be worked out like how the aliens would get paid, where the suits would come from and how to keep the U.S. economy from collapsing but I am sure these things would all work out somehow. It’s time that the middle class gets to lead the extravagant lifestyle that the rest of the world already thinks we have.

In conjunction with the Internal Revenue Service, the Bush administration is proposing a set of forms and regulations that must be followed by anyone wishing to engage in a romantic and/or physical relationship with a member of the opposite sex (same sex relationships are forbidden).

Forms include:

• Form 10-VE: Acknowledgment of romantic interest
• Form 53-X: Acknowledgment of physical interest
• Form 1D-10T: Marriage Proposal
• Form 5E-ND3R: Gender Verification

All citizens who wish to engage in any relationships must have a Form 5E-ND3R signed and notarized and must display the Gender Verification card when courting of the opposite sex begins.

Form 53-X must be signed by both parties and notarized before sexual relations may begin. Federal funds will be provided to bars and pimps to facilitate the distribution and notarizing of the particular forms.

Due to the war on terror, the White House announced today a new bathroom policy. “We’ve been too lax about the enemy knowing our bowel movements”, said Secretary of Restrooms Arnold Poopschtick. Remodeling of the bathrooms have been secretly taking place at night under the new moon. One of the most controversial changes is the removal of the urinals from the men’s bathrooms. Poopschtick continues,”not only did terrorists know when we urinated or defecated, they were also able to single out those males in the White House that urinated sitting down”.

Another change will be soundproof bathroom stalls with doors and walls that go all the way to the floor. These will be augmented by the installation of speakers that provide new age music to ease those “not-so-regular” staff members.

For decades, our nation has waged its so-called “War On Drugs” in an effort to eliminate the senseless socio-economic upheaval and tragic loss of human potential.

Efforts to combat this problem include rehabilitation, incarceration, interdiction and causing Roundup™ to rain down on the entire nation of Colombia.

Of course, these actions only treat the symptoms of the drug problem, so a lot of effort also goes into early education. If a generation of kids learns the perils of drugs at an early age, so the thinking goes, they’ll grow up into non-drug-using adults.

It is this education route that I think holds the most promise for success, but I don’t think programs like D.A.R.E. go far enough. It is insufficient, in my opinion, for kids to merely have a healthy fear of drugs; we need to cultivate a sense of loathing.

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