Manhattan Reeling From Latest Monster Attack
By evillines
Just when the citizens of Gotham thought they were safe, another hideous beast has rampaged through the city leaving a bloody trail of destruction it it’s wake. And we’re not talking about the annual Deformed Obsese Transvestite Parade. That’s not until July.
No, mere months after the city was devastated by a bio-engineered plague that killed off nearly all it’s inhabitants and turned the remaining few into blood-thirsty zombies that even Will Smith couldn’t conquer, the resilient denizens of Manhattan were besieged by yet another monster that attacked the city right in the middle of a yuppie party in a really cool loft on the lower east side.
Long-time Manhattanites are fed up. “Seriously, are all of these monsters attacking from the east?” asked deli-owner Norm Stantz. “Eleven times in twenty years I’ve had my deli smashed to the ground by some snarling lizard. And how come they never wind up any further along the Atlantic seaboard? Would it kill one of them to take a swipe at those jerk-offs in Boston? The Bruins suck!”
Similar sentiments were expressed by other survivors of the latest rampage. Ninety-eight year old Esmerelda Wiggins sat on the front stoop of her brownstone, recently swept of debris, perusing a scrapbook she’s kept of the travails that have befallen her hometown over the last near century. “It all started with that damn ape,” she said pointing to a black-and-white photo of an enormous gorilla standing atop the Empire State Building swatting at bi-planes. “They brought him here from some damn island or something. Folks lined up to see him because it was the Depression and we were starved for something to take our minds off our misery. But then they brought another ape in the 70’s. And then again just a couple of years ago! Why with all the apes? And every time he goes nuts and climbs a tower and then falls off. Do you know what kind of havoc that causes? We got enough construction around here without cleaning up after ape disasters.”
Ms. Wiggins went on to document the stunning array of misfortune her city has seen, from recent scourges such as Godzilla and the Sta-Puft Marshmellow Man, to an unruly gang of Muppets determined to make it on Broadway. “And don’t forget the time Woody Allen got arrested for statutory rape with Mariel Hemingway. Poor thing, he dumped her and then went running all the way across town to try and win her back. Even tried to talk her out of going to school in London. The selfish bastard, you’re forty years older than her for Christ’s sake! Date someone your own age!”
Perhaps the most distressing aspect of the city’s monster-magnetism is the fact that it draws attention from other cities that suffer similar attacks. Chamber of Commerce spokesman Ed Koningsberg says many foreigners have the false impression that New York has some odd curse on it that makes it the only choice for crazed, mutated beasts. “Plenty of other American cities have been attacked by various beings throughout the years, but they don’t get the press coverage we do. People always seem to enjoy watching us get kicked around. I mean, the entire city of Columbus, Ohio was wiped out by a fire-breathing were-sloth from the planet Razzmatazz in 1957, but no one even knows about it. Seriously, there’s just a huge smoking hole in the ground. How come you never see that in the movies?”
Whatever the reasons for the city’s rotten luck, New Yorkers remain faithful to their hometown. Knowing full well that it’s only a matter of time before some other weird-ass thingamabob comes swooping down on them and destroys their property values, millions of people proudly continue to call the borough home. “Plagues, monsters, Irish, we’ve seen ‘em all, but eventually they leave and we’re still standing,” Koningsberg says. “It’s an existential nightmare, but it’s our existential nightmare.” With that, Koningsberg turned and strode proudly down the tree-lined streets of the neighborhood where he’d lived his whole life, only to be suddenly pummelled to death by an army of truck-sized glowing frogs with acid for blood that sprang out of nowhere. New York, New York, it’s a helluva town.
