Citing an unusually hot and humid summer, along with the traditional Beijing smog, officials in the People’s Republic of China have decided, in order to demonstrate the greatness, cleanliness, efficiency and all-around goodwill of the nation, that they will move the site of the Olympics.

“Beijing is hotter than a witch’s tittie in a brass brassiere,” said precinct commissioner Jin Wei-li, in broken Engrish. “At least, I think that’s the metaphor you use. Anyways, with summer temperatures breaking 100 degrees and smog so think that you need a scythe, the Commission has decided that a move is in order.”

Similar concerns arose in advance of the 2004 Olympics when, because of corrupt Greek officials and lazy Greek construction workers, it seemed that the facilities would not be completed in time for the Athens opening ceremonies. At the time, the backup plan was to hold the Olympics in the previous host city, which would have been Sydney.

“There is no Peking way that China will let the Games go back to Athens,” continued Jin. “We have worked long and hard to conceal our human-rights violations, and I’ll be damned if it’s all for naught.”

Instead, in a move that is sure to generate controversy, President Hu Jintao decreed that the city itself should be moved. The exact location is a closely guarded secret, but, sources inside the Commission have indicated that the new location will be in the Pacific Ocean.

Controversial? Yes. Even more perplexing, though, is logistics. How can a major metropolitan area be moved in its entirety? And, how to do it so quickly?

“We have over seven-hundred million peasants living in the rural areas of our Republic,” explained Logistics Administrator Xu Xiang Xao. “We have arranged for them to be relocated to the Beijing province. You know, like a reverse ‘Trail of Tears’. People bitched about Mao’s forced relocations, so now we’re forcing the peasants back. They’re delighted about the opportunity to help.”

Equipped with only hand-trucks, shovels, and in some cases, wheelbarrows, peasants will dig, load, transport and deposit each and every piece of Beijing, taking bits from their current location to their new home, somewhere in the Pacific.

When asked about the feasibility of this endeavor, and particularly the short timeline, Xao quipped, “Do you have any conception of the magnitude of 700,000,000 people? The number is so phenomenally large that the mind boggles. Hell, the pyramids in Egypt were built with only 10,000 slaves. We have close to a billion slaves. Er, I mean, workers. Workers. We will complete our move before the opening ceremonies. If not, then I expect I shall be executed.”