Rightfully So

As you may (or may not) know, I am an adjunct faculty at the local post-secondary education institution. (Translated from the academic-speak, this means I am a part-time instructor at a community college.) While many of you out in non-academia may think that summer is just getting started, here in our ivory towers, we’re already thinking to the future.

For the fall semester, there are several new classes that have been added to the curriculum in order to keep current with the changing technology and business marketplace. Here is a summary.

MTH 404 - Internet Math
In cosmology and thermodynamics, physicists say with a straight face that “2 plus 2 equals five, for large values of 2.” In this class learn how to apply this useful nebulosity to modern internet quantities like “mindshare,” “traction” and “eyeballs.” A final project requires that students use internet math to prove how 2 plus 2 can, in certain circumstances, equal 5,000,000.

CIT 500 - Enterprise Application Development
Students learn how to leverage Microsoft’s .NET environment and thousands of developer-hours to assemble millions of lines of code into a scalable, robust application that would otherwise take a knowledgeable computer whiz a few weeks to crank out in Python.

CIT 503 - Enterprise Application Development II
Same as CIT 500, but using Java.

MKT 302 -Dimensionless Marketing
Use pro forma presence indicators to adaptively enhance corporate resources in order to dramatically administrate performance based intellectual capital and organic knowledge resources management. A multi-tined approach to dynamic matrices and vertical vector alignment enhances the pedagogy.

FIN 402 - Finance for Internet Startups
A fresh mixture of modern finance methods yield a new quantitative statistical metric that can create fast results for a rising internet business. Learn how dividing by zero can generate infinite revenue growth, infinite cash flow, and infinite customer growth.

LOB 101 - Introduction to Lobbying
Why use technology advances or process improvements to further a business enterprise when, for half the cost, your elected legislators would be happy to enact laws that stifle your competition?

ENG 011 - Words for Internet Trolls
Learn the correct spelling and usage of words when astroturfing on internet forums. Another words your a looser if you except instruction at a diffrent school why should the class be exasturbated if u cant even sea that

This spring I started a new hobby of bicycling. Now I know you might be thinking geeks and exercise are as different as Tom Cruise and sanity but once I started I found some suprising parallels between bicycling and Role Playing Games.

In your typical RPG you start out with the bare minimum equipment and as you progress through the game you find or buy new equipment that gives you slightly better stats. It could be a sword that gives you +5 strength, or a shield that gives you +1 resistance to fire. These slight improvements won’t be noticable right away but they do add up over time. As I was buying gear for my bike I saw the same thing. The lighter the components are the faster the bike is going to go. A jersey and shorts can give you +5 resistance to wind. In RPGs you have to find the proper balance to make your character most efficient. On the bike you have to balance comfort versus speed. A gel seat will be more comfortable but it also weighs more so you won’t be as fast. Unfortunately bicycling gear doesn’t have the cool names that RPG gear has. At the bike shop I have never seen The Carbon Fork of Victory or Lance’s Waterbottle of Destiny. Other than that I find the two hobbies to be pretty similar. Bicycling sure does use up all my gold anyway.

Last week on Rightfully So I gave tips on how to lower the temperature in your MacBook Pro. Not really, I talked about dating. To insure that the geek bloodlines carry on into the next generation (not the show) we will have to negotiate with the opposite sex the same way Harrison Ford doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. You can win her over with looks or personality, but how do we aquire these two things? We fake it.

First off, personality. Girls love to talk, but not about anything cool. Pretending to listen is going to be your greatest asset. When she starts talking about who knows what, you can use that time to think about upcoming video games you might want to purchase or who would win in a fight between Jack Bauer and Michael Knight. Just make sure you nod your head and throw a “yeah” in there every now and then. Once you get really good you can listen to the last sentance she said and turn it into a question that keeps her going. Eventually you will have to talk but you have to make sure you pick the right topic. If you start in with your analysis of Stargate SG1 vs. Battlestar Gallactica she’ll be gone before you can say “Cylon”. If it helps, pretend you are a rogue that maxed out your charisma points and you will say anything to the barmaiden to get the key to the dungeon (her pants).

The other route is working on your looks. Looks are more important than personality. If you are good looking then you can get away with playing Game Boy while she is talking to you. Even though most geek activities are the opposite of exercise, here are a few tips you can do to lose some pounds. The first is what I call the “Half Cheese” method, where you take in half the amount of cheese servings you normally eat. It doesn’t matter if that cheese is in whiz, do, or it form. Next you have to work on your wardrobe. Yes we all voted for Pedro but its time to put away the Hot Topic T-shirts when trying to make a good first impression. In order to look like the proper tool just go to any Old Navy, Gap or Abercrombie. They usually have a manaquin dressed up so you don’t even have to worry about matching things yourself. These clothes might cost a little more so you may have to put off buying your “The Evil That Men Do” trade for another month.

By following this advice you should be able to get the girl of your dreams*. We must strive to prevent geeks from dying out the way swing music died out in the late 1990s.

*Rightfully So takes no responsibility for kicks to the crotch you might receive.

Following the success of my Geeks Guide To NCAA Basketball I decided to write more articles to help geeks fit in with outside world. Studies show that 98% of the world is outside your basement. Unless you live in a Bio-Dome (the actual facility not the Pauly Shore movie), you’re going to have contact with this world, but with my help you can get through it.

Procreation. Even if you are not intersted in the opposite sex for recreational pruposes you should consider the fact that you will need someone to carry on your legacy someday. You need a kid that you can pass your D&D Miniatures on to and, if necessary, avenge your death.

So how do you make yourself appealing to women? Women rate guys based on the following equation:
(looks X 2) + personailty = dateability
As a geek we are naturally lacking in both departments. You can either work on your personailty and find a girl who likes you for what’s on the inside or you can work on your appearance, then you don’t have to be nice to girls at all. Some geeks hold out thinking they will find a female geek, but those are harder to come by than a Mox Ruby.

Next week we will take a look at both strategies: personality and appearance

Those who can’t, teach.