Cursed with a hillbilly pixie for a mother and a father who resembles a young Reverend Jim from “Taxi” without the verbal eloquence, young Sean Preston Federline Spears Rodham-Clinton McGillicuddy has been placed on 24 hour suicide watch by Child Protective Services.

“This child is at severe risk for depression, paranoia and low self-esteem,” said local CPS director Shiela Comgrabya. “When he starts to become aware of who he is, who his parents are and what his life is going to be like, we’re going to have a hard time keeping him from putting a gun in his mouth. If he lives to see second grade it will be a miracle, and not just because he’s inherited both parents’ tendency toward severe mental retardation.”

Some say the suicide watch is premature. “No one thought little Frances Bean Cobain was going to kill herself when she grew up and realized she was Courtney Love’s daughter,” says a Federline-Spears insider who wished to remain nameless. “Although Frances was probably smarter than Courtney by the time she was four, so she could probably handle it.”

So far, Comgrabya says the suicide vigil has been a successs despite having to fire the agent who was supposed to be in the car with Britney the day she drove off with Sean on her lap. The agent said he refused to get back in the car with Britney at the wheel because “she drives like a drug-addled hyena having an orgasm.”