Never one to rest on its laurels, the American scientific community has already unveiled the next batch of lab-raised, genetically-enhanced smokin’ hotties who will represent the U.S. at the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver.

“This year’s crew was very impressive,” says Dr. Ravel Pursenatch, head of the Female Skiers and Snowboarders Lab.  “The lab put in several years developing a hot blond who could also snowboard, and we got Gretchen Bleiler.  For Vancouver, we’re going one better with Shelly Danton, who we like to think of as Gretchen 2.0.   Basically Gretchen with even bigger hooters.” 

The lab geeks were also proud of female Curlers Cassie and Jamie Johnson (”We were going for one babe and created two!”), and the fact that they are still getting mileage out of Sasha Cohen, whom they engineered for the Salt Lake City games in 2000. 

On the men’s side, the lab suffered mixed results.  While immensely satsified with the creation of hunky speed skater Chad Hendrick, they are still reeling from the fiasco that is snowboarder Shaun White, the “Human Tomato” over whom several scientists were fired.  “No one sets out to create a skinny, red-headed male athlete.  No one,” avowed Dr. Phil Bondule.  “Shaun White is a shameful abomination, in terms of sexual attractiveness, which is the whole raison d’etre of our lab. 

“But the offending parties have been removed, and we’re ecstatic about next year’s men.”  Said men include Jeremy Hines, a 6 foot 2 inch muscle-bound cross-country skier with uncontrollable black hair that Bondule insists will drive fans wild.  “Plus his ass is perfect; watching it flex as he pumps those skis across the Canadian countryside will be enough to send women (and a few men) into paroxysms of ecstasy.  And of course, that means big bucks for the lab, what with the calendars, t-shirts, posters, and X-rated porno clips that will be available for download from out website starting as early as 2008.”