Rightfully So

Cursed with a hillbilly pixie for a mother and a father who resembles a young Reverend Jim from “Taxi” without the verbal eloquence, young Sean Preston Federline Spears Rodham-Clinton McGillicuddy has been placed on 24 hour suicide watch by Child Protective Services.

“This child is at severe risk for depression, paranoia and low self-esteem,” said local CPS director Shiela Comgrabya. “When he starts to become aware of who he is, who his parents are and what his life is going to be like, we’re going to have a hard time keeping him from putting a gun in his mouth. If he lives to see second grade it will be a miracle, and not just because he’s inherited both parents’ tendency toward severe mental retardation.”

Some say the suicide watch is premature. “No one thought little Frances Bean Cobain was going to kill herself when she grew up and realized she was Courtney Love’s daughter,” says a Federline-Spears insider who wished to remain nameless. “Although Frances was probably smarter than Courtney by the time she was four, so she could probably handle it.”

So far, Comgrabya says the suicide vigil has been a successs despite having to fire the agent who was supposed to be in the car with Britney the day she drove off with Sean on her lap. The agent said he refused to get back in the car with Britney at the wheel because “she drives like a drug-addled hyena having an orgasm.”

Never one to rest on its laurels, the American scientific community has already unveiled the next batch of lab-raised, genetically-enhanced smokin’ hotties who will represent the U.S. at the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver.

“This year’s crew was very impressive,” says Dr. Ravel Pursenatch, head of the Female Skiers and Snowboarders Lab.  “The lab put in several years developing a hot blond who could also snowboard, and we got Gretchen Bleiler.  For Vancouver, we’re going one better with Shelly Danton, who we like to think of as Gretchen 2.0.   Basically Gretchen with even bigger hooters.” 

The lab geeks were also proud of female Curlers Cassie and Jamie Johnson (”We were going for one babe and created two!”), and the fact that they are still getting mileage out of Sasha Cohen, whom they engineered for the Salt Lake City games in 2000. 

On the men’s side, the lab suffered mixed results.  While immensely satsified with the creation of hunky speed skater Chad Hendrick, they are still reeling from the fiasco that is snowboarder Shaun White, the “Human Tomato” over whom several scientists were fired.  “No one sets out to create a skinny, red-headed male athlete.  No one,” avowed Dr. Phil Bondule.  “Shaun White is a shameful abomination, in terms of sexual attractiveness, which is the whole raison d’etre of our lab. 

“But the offending parties have been removed, and we’re ecstatic about next year’s men.”  Said men include Jeremy Hines, a 6 foot 2 inch muscle-bound cross-country skier with uncontrollable black hair that Bondule insists will drive fans wild.  “Plus his ass is perfect; watching it flex as he pumps those skis across the Canadian countryside will be enough to send women (and a few men) into paroxysms of ecstasy.  And of course, that means big bucks for the lab, what with the calendars, t-shirts, posters, and X-rated porno clips that will be available for download from out website starting as early as 2008.”

Celebrated industrialist, electricity magnate and fop C. Montgomery Burns was recently seen in Miami, Florida, where he received the coveted Second Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

When questioned about the propriety of an award being bestowed upon the award’s namesake, Mr. Burns’ only reply was “Excellent!” while drumming the tips of his fingers together.

Mr. Burns (left), aged 132, received, among other prizes, a lifetime supply of Grecian Formula for coloring his gray hair, as well a two gallons of Acme-brand Liver-Spots-B-Gone topical scalp-rejuvinating treatment. Not pictured are one gross of ivory back-scratchers.

During what was meant to be a peaceful nuking trip in Texas this weekend, Vice-President Dick “Not That Kind of Dick” Cheney accidentally sent a nuclear warehead slamming into the Iranian capital of Tehran, killing hundreds of thousands of people.

 ”It happened all of a sudden,” Cheney said, sipping a martini on the veranda of the mansion owned by long time friend and oil tycoon J.P. Chester Woodsrazer.  “I saw a bird fly by me and turned to shoot a nuke at it, but I didn’t see Iran step out of the woodline, and my nuke went right into it.  Could have happened to anybody, especially a privileged, geriatric, amoral shit-sack like me with no license or sense of awareness for anything or anyone other than myself.”

Fellow hunters agreed.  “This is not the Vice-President’s fault.  Anyone as clueless and stupid would have done the same thing.  It’s actually the fault of the National Bird-Nuking Association for allowing him to possess nukes in the first place.  Someone really should do something about that.”

White House lap dog Scott McClellan told reporters that the deaths of countless innocent lives should not concern American voters.  “Most of those people were insurgents, we have learned.  However, the evidence we have to prove this was blown up in the explosion, but you can trust us, all the people killed were guilty of something.”

President Bush could not be reached for comment, as he was being treated at Walter Reed Medical Center for an uncontrollable erection brought on by the thought of all that Iranian oil just waiting to be liberated and democratized.       

If you were one of the dozens of people watching the Super Bowl Sunday night you probably saw this commercial. A clydesdale pony wants to pull the Budweiser wagon just like the grown ups. When it can’t move the wagon a couple of the other clydsdales get behind and push. This seems like an innocent commercial but there are some people that think there is a much more sinister subliminal message here. They argue what Bud is really trying to say is that it is ok for underage minors to drink. In fact, if a minor has trouble getting alcohol (pulling the wagon), we as adults should buy it for them. This commercial sent shockwaves through the “people who who like to be outraged over minor things” community. One such man, Larry Crankypants is rallying people together for an immediate boycott of Budweiser. “If TV can’t be trusted to raise our kids, who can?” The activist has a laundry list of complaints with Budweiser including animal nudity and the worship of magical appliances. The boycott is expected to last about a week and a half and have no effect on Budweiser whatsoever.

Are there catchy slogans in China, such as “Buy Chinese”? Walmart used to market how much they bought in America, but it seems they have dropped that aspect of their PR campaign. I wonder if they just resurrected it in China, where they discuss how much the sell from China, and promote shoppers to “Buy Chinese”.

We recently picked up some little plastic farm animals and exotic animals toys. Each one is proudly stamped with the word CHINA. I can’t help but wonder what the person was thinking as they painted the spots on the leopard and the coloring on the pig. Had that person ever seen a Giraffe? Rhinoceroses? Did they think they were painting some alien creature, the type that could only be imagined by a methamphetamine addict from the midwest?

What does the Chinese assembly line worker think of America? Between SpongeBob SquarePants and Bratz dolls, America must appear to be some sort of messed up world, where the women have no waists, perfect breasts, and wide hips. Males worship mechanical deer and salmon that sing. Girls always play with pink toys, and boys play with cars that have oversized tires or the words Star Wars on them.

The concept of movie stars doing commercials is not at all new. After all, the majority of these people are really no better than your typical commercial actor anyway, so the “credibility” factor of lowering onesself to t.v. level is not much of an issue when, say, David Spade hams it up for Capital One.

The bar has been severely lowered lately with the likes of Catherine Zeta-Jones, an Oscar winner, shilling for Verizon Wireless. Okay, she has a couple of kids now, I guess the extra dough for diapers and formula comes in handy. It’s not like Michael Douglas is as rich as Bill Gates. And from an advertising perspective it makes good sense; a pretty, brand-name actress gives your product a recognition edge in a crowded market.
What blows my mind, though, is someone like George Clooney doing voiceovers for Budweiser. This guy is filthy, stinking rich. Did you know that he owns Italy? Yes, the entire country of Italy belongs to him, look it up. And it’s not as though his career is waning; he’s at the very peak of his power. In ten or fifteen years I wouldn’t be surprised to see him back on t.v., but now?

And doing voiceovers? Budweiser doesn’t even benefit from having his face on screen. Just his voice! Are you really going to stand in front of the beer cooler at United Dairy Farmers and think to yourself, “If that authoritative voice on the commercial recommends Bud, it must be good enough for a social bottom-feeder like me.” Hell no! Do people even watch beer commercials that don’t have The Twins in them? George Clooney is collecting a check for talking over a commercial that nobody (except me, apparently) is watching.

Now times are tough, and it’s common for a minimum-wage dad to pick up an extra shift at the factory to help pay for his kids’ ear medicine. But what exactly is Clooney saving up for? I can see him now, pondering his dilemma: “Man, I’d really love to upgrade the yacht this year, but times are tough. That damn George Bush and his tax cuts for the wealthy haven’t done nearly enough for my bottom line. I’ll have to get a part-time job just to make ends meet. If only there were something an unskilled Kentucky boy like me could do to pick up an extra hundred grand or so, just to get me over until next payday.” Now I’m no thespian like Clooney, but I remember enough of my high-school English to accurately quote Hamlet who said, “Art thou f***ing kidding me, Ophelia?”