“Memoirs of a Geisha” is stirring up controversy among some Japanese groups because Chinese actors were hired to portray Japanese characters. Now, I just want to warn everyone who may not know better not to listen to these cries. It was proven long ago that there is in fact no difference whatsoever between the Japanese and the Chinese. This is a myth that was started hundreds of years ago by a group of people who wanted to take credit for bombing Pearl Harbor, and aren’t they sorry now they did.

These “Japanese” apparently resent the fact that we (Westerners) think all Asians look alike and are thereford interchangeable when it comes to portraying them in films. And they’re right. They all look alike and for our purposes (e.g. buying fireworks, cooking with rice) are exactly the same. This is not a bad thing. Don’t you think Americans all look alike to people from other countries? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve been asked “Hey, are you Candaian/a hillbilly/gonna eat all that or what?” Literally billions. And do I take offense? No, I do not. I spit my tobacco juice in their mouth and proceed on my way (not out of offense at their question, but because that’s how we do things down south where I’m from).

This “Geisha” controversy isn’t the first time a group got upset about actors of a different ethnicity portraying them on screen. Remember when the elves caused a ruckus because Will Ferrell was hired to play the lead in “Elf” instead of a real elf? Now I know what you’re saying: the whole point of that movie was that he was a human raised as an elf. Well try telling that to the goddamn elves. They don’t want to hear it.

What we all need to realize is that when it comes to cinema, national pride means nothing (unless you’re a Jew, because they’ve gotten a raw deal for a long time. Jews on screen must by law be portrayed by someone from Jewistan, and I have no problem with that). Otherwise, if you want Japanese actors in your movie, then get a Japanese company to fund the film and hire a Japanese director. Even the book the film was based on was written by an American, so why shouldn’t we make the film however we want? Either start taking things into your own hands or quit telling us how to make our movies and get back to playing hockey, you stupid Canucks.