Rapacious media whore Maria Carey filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the National Enquirer for failing to take her picture one morning last week as she stood on her front porch wearing nothing but a $1500 bathrobe.

“My client spent three hours in makeup before stepping outside in anticipation of having her privacy violated by the Enquirer’s amoral photo-nazis,” said Carey’s lawyer Hassan Al-Vishnu Goldstein. “When they failed to perform their sworn duty, Ms. Carey had no choice but to sue for her pain, suffering, and time lost.”

Adding insult to injury, says Goldstein, is the fact that the Enquirer tried to cover up its mistake by publishing a photo fully two days old and trying to pass it off as recent.

“Mariah was wearing a beautiful blue terry cloth bathrobe on the day in question. It was handwoven by genetically modified Indonesian orangutans and sprinkled with the ground up horn of the last Sumatran Rhino in existence. The photo they published showed her in a robe she hasn’t worn since Tuesday. Tuesday! And we found out yesterday that no animals were harmed in making that robe, so we’re suing that company, too.”

A spokesman for the Enquirer admitted that the “newspaper” failed in it’s responsibility to perpetuate the diva’s narcissistic fantasy that her everyday actions merit front page attention. But they claim there is a precedent for such negligence that should be taken into consideration.

“US Weekly once published a picture of Jennifer Lopez in which she was shown at the far end of a group of four people, not prominently featured in the middle. This created the perception that she was not the most important person at the event, and her career suffered irreperably for several minutes. However, Ms. Lopez accepted the photographer’s genitals as an apology from the magazine in lieu of litigation. We would be more than willing to prostrate ourselves on Ms. Carey’s throne in such a way.”

Goldstein was unable to respond further because he was called away to negotiate a photo-shoot of the singer taking a dump into a hobo’s mouth.