Rightfully So

Due to the war on terror, the White House announced today a new bathroom policy. “We’ve been too lax about the enemy knowing our bowel movements”, said Secretary of Restrooms Arnold Poopschtick. Remodeling of the bathrooms have been secretly taking place at night under the new moon. One of the most controversial changes is the removal of the urinals from the men’s bathrooms. Poopschtick continues,”not only did terrorists know when we urinated or defecated, they were also able to single out those males in the White House that urinated sitting down”.

Another change will be soundproof bathroom stalls with doors and walls that go all the way to the floor. These will be augmented by the installation of speakers that provide new age music to ease those “not-so-regular” staff members.

(Editor’s Note: This article first appeared on the Associated Press on January 24, 2004. It is reproduced here, without permission. The truth is stranger than fiction. Enjoy!)

A spam-free world by 2006? That’s what Microsoft Corp. chairman Bill Gates is promising.

“Two years from now, spam will be solved,” he told a select group of World Economic Forum participants at this Alpine ski resort. “And a lot of progress this year,” he added at the event late Friday, hosted by U.S. talk show host Charlie Rose.

Gates said Microsoft, where he has the title of chief software designer, is working on a solution based on the concept of “proof,” or identifying the sender of the e-mail.

One method involves a human challenge, or requiring the sender of an electronic pitch to solve a puzzle that only a flesh-and-blood person can handle. Another is a so-called “computational puzzle” that a computer sending only a few messages could easily handle, but that would be prohibitively expensive for a mass-mailer.

But the most promising, Gates said, was a method that would hit the sender of an e-mail in the pocketbook.

People would set a level of monetary risk - low or high, depending on their choice - for receiving e-mail from strangers. If the e-mail turns out to be from a long-lost relative, for example, the recipient would charge nothing. But if it is unwanted spam, the sender would have to fork over the cash.

“In the long run, the monetary (method) will be dominant,” Gates predicted.

“Memoirs of a Geisha” is stirring up controversy among some Japanese groups because Chinese actors were hired to portray Japanese characters. Now, I just want to warn everyone who may not know better not to listen to these cries. It was proven long ago that there is in fact no difference whatsoever between the Japanese and the Chinese. This is a myth that was started hundreds of years ago by a group of people who wanted to take credit for bombing Pearl Harbor, and aren’t they sorry now they did.

These “Japanese” apparently resent the fact that we (Westerners) think all Asians look alike and are thereford interchangeable when it comes to portraying them in films. And they’re right. They all look alike and for our purposes (e.g. buying fireworks, cooking with rice) are exactly the same. This is not a bad thing. Don’t you think Americans all look alike to people from other countries? Do you have any idea how many times I’ve been asked “Hey, are you Candaian/a hillbilly/gonna eat all that or what?” Literally billions. And do I take offense? No, I do not. I spit my tobacco juice in their mouth and proceed on my way (not out of offense at their question, but because that’s how we do things down south where I’m from).

This “Geisha” controversy isn’t the first time a group got upset about actors of a different ethnicity portraying them on screen. Remember when the elves caused a ruckus because Will Ferrell was hired to play the lead in “Elf” instead of a real elf? Now I know what you’re saying: the whole point of that movie was that he was a human raised as an elf. Well try telling that to the goddamn elves. They don’t want to hear it.

What we all need to realize is that when it comes to cinema, national pride means nothing (unless you’re a Jew, because they’ve gotten a raw deal for a long time. Jews on screen must by law be portrayed by someone from Jewistan, and I have no problem with that). Otherwise, if you want Japanese actors in your movie, then get a Japanese company to fund the film and hire a Japanese director. Even the book the film was based on was written by an American, so why shouldn’t we make the film however we want? Either start taking things into your own hands or quit telling us how to make our movies and get back to playing hockey, you stupid Canucks.

Timmy wanted an XBOX 360. He worked really hard over the summer mowing lawns, washing cars and delivering newspapers. However, once he read the lackluster reviews he decided to use the money he saved to buy something else. Timmy doesn’t realize this but he just made a $400 profit through the theory of deferred purchasing. This theory states that whenever you don’t buy something you want, the money you would have spent becomes profit. Let’s see how this theory works in practice. You decide you want a big screen TV that costs about $2000. Once you get to the store you decide to hold off on a TV and get a new stereo instead that only costs $300. You have just made $1700 free money! That’s income you can take to the bank.

But RC, couldn’t I just not buy a million dollar mansion and become a millionare overnight? The answer is no. The theory of deferred purchasing only works if the item you didn’t buy was something you could afford and really had an interest in purchasing. You can unlock all the secrets of deferred purchasing. All you need to do is buy my book “The Joy of a Good Easy Buck” The book is $40 on Amazon, or you could not buy it and instantly make $40.

You have the power.

Student humiliated over Broncos jersey

“The teacher, John Kelly, forced Joshua Vannoy to sit on the floor and take the test Friday — two days before the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Broncos 34-17 in the AFC championship game. Kelly also made other students throw crumpled up paper at Vannoy, whom he called a “stinking Denver fan,” Vannoy told The Associated Press on Monday.”

Good thing he wasn’t wearing a Patriots or Packers jersey. Lord knows what they would’ve done to him then.

Sometimes, I think British imports of television shows are just a plot by the Brits to show how stupid America is. First came The Weakest Link, then Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and now we have American Idol.

For the first several weeks we are subjected to the torment of terrible singers and dancer audtions. If I was Simon, Paula, or Randy, I’d be ticked that the producers were subjecting me to this! And you have to feel bad about this people, because they think they are good, and that they actually have a chance because they get to perform for the holy triumverate of Simon, Paula, and Randy.

Once we get past this abomonation, we finally get to the popularity contest, I mean, competition. Look at last season, when Constantine Maroulis was beaten by Scott Savol. Even the most tone-deaf redneck that watched the show could tell you who was the better star.

Then we have the judges… Who aren’t really judges at all. They’re more like commentators. We have the cynic, Simon, who believes that none of these performers have a chance in hell. Randy, the optimist, who does see some talent in some of the performers. And then their’s Paula, the cheerleader, who couldn’t give a negative comment if her life depended on it. All three give no constructive criticism on what the performers could do to improve.

Finally, we have the outcome of each season. American Idol has produced only one bonafide star, Kelly Clarkson. And that was after she dumped her manager from American Idol, Simon Fuller, and replaced him with Jeff Rabhan.

American Idol is Britain’s way of showing the stupidity and herd mentality of lazy Americans. Don’t let them make fun of you!

Accoring to the latest Neilsen ratings, publishing on one of the internet’s top 651,029 websites has dropped off significantly for Q1 2006.

The site in question is none other than the hugely-popular Rightfully So, famous for its incisive commentary about popular culture and techno-politics. Since its inception last year, the site has seen an 1800% increase in traffic and a whopping 2450% increase in revenues, attributable mostly to the liberal use of internet advertising.

Like so many other darlings of the post-industrial era, it seems that the reach of Rightfully So has exceeded its grasp. What started with a ferverous passion for internet punditry and technological zealotry, has since languished, only morph into a cob-web style of internet property, all while its visionary principals grow fat off of the life-style that their new-found wealth allows.

But, don’t shed any tears for this loss; like a phoenix rising from its ashes, so too will another aspiring group of internet pioneers rise to the challenge of building the next eBay, the next Amazon, or the next Rightfully So.

For decades, our nation has been wringing its collective hands over pre-marital sex, teen sex, and children born out of wedlock in an effort to eliminate the senseless socio-economic upheaval and tragic loss of human potential.

Efforts to combat this problem include health and disease awareness, counseling, and free condoms.

Of course, these actions only treat the symptoms of the sex problem, so a lot of effort also goes into early education. If a generation of kids learns the perils of sex at an early age, so the thinking goes, they’ll grow up into non-promiscuous adults.

It is this education route that I think holds the most promise for success, but I don’t think awareness programs go far enough. It is insufficient, in my opinion, for kids to merely have a healthy fear of casual intercourse; we need to cultivate a sense of loathing.

The modern American education system has plenty of experience in generating loathing in students and I suggest that we leverage this ability for a constructive war on sex. Think of your school-child years, and think of all of the things you learned to loathe: the cliques, the spirit assemblies, athletics, homework, tests.

Ah yes… homework and tests. How better to cause a pupil to hate something than by requiring homework and threatening with a test?

Among me and my friends, the most dreaded homework assignment was the book report. Before I could even start on the report, I would have to plow my way through some inscrutible, symbolism-infested, several-hundred-year-old tome, which I had absolutely no hope of understanding. Frequently, I would rely on my friend Cliff to get the job done.

And, even when I did manage to get the gist of a particular opus, it had no specific relevance for my adolescent self. What young person can wrap his or her mind around adultery as in The Scarlet Letter, or the irony of Eustacia Clementine as in The Return of the Native, or whatever the hell Thanatopsis is about as in Thanatopsis?

The end result of enduring these seemingly-endless years of senseless reading, reading and more reading, is, that as an adult, I fucking hate to read!!!!!!

So, let’s channel this hate for the good of a new generation. I propose that future school curricula include years and years of sex reports. Each semester, students would be required to fool around in a variety of ways, and then write reports about the experiences.

Imagine the conversation that would ensue in the school corridors:

Tyler: Dude, I was up all night playing World of Warcraft, and never got around to whacking off for tomorrow’s test.

Dakota: Man, I gotta do a circle jerk? We just did a whole section on group sex last month, and homos the month before. Now we’re doin’ ‘em both?

Kayla: Ohmigod, like, me and Caitlin were at the mall, and, we’re all, like, looking for Zack and whatever, and, then, like, Kyle and Gabe met us at Sunglass Hut, and, we’re all like, ‘Don’t go there,’ and we’ve got the soccer game on Friday, and the big sixty-nine test, and Nate and Abbey were watching Survivor instead having butt-sex in her bedroom like they were supposed to, and, ohmigod, Mr. Crandall gave us a pop quiz on dildoes, and I’m, like, all bummed out or whatever, ’cause I, like, totally didn’t study, and then Mackenzie and Cameron…

Rapacious media whore Maria Carey filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the National Enquirer for failing to take her picture one morning last week as she stood on her front porch wearing nothing but a $1500 bathrobe.

“My client spent three hours in makeup before stepping outside in anticipation of having her privacy violated by the Enquirer’s amoral photo-nazis,” said Carey’s lawyer Hassan Al-Vishnu Goldstein. “When they failed to perform their sworn duty, Ms. Carey had no choice but to sue for her pain, suffering, and time lost.”

Adding insult to injury, says Goldstein, is the fact that the Enquirer tried to cover up its mistake by publishing a photo fully two days old and trying to pass it off as recent.

“Mariah was wearing a beautiful blue terry cloth bathrobe on the day in question. It was handwoven by genetically modified Indonesian orangutans and sprinkled with the ground up horn of the last Sumatran Rhino in existence. The photo they published showed her in a robe she hasn’t worn since Tuesday. Tuesday! And we found out yesterday that no animals were harmed in making that robe, so we’re suing that company, too.”

A spokesman for the Enquirer admitted that the “newspaper” failed in it’s responsibility to perpetuate the diva’s narcissistic fantasy that her everyday actions merit front page attention. But they claim there is a precedent for such negligence that should be taken into consideration.

“US Weekly once published a picture of Jennifer Lopez in which she was shown at the far end of a group of four people, not prominently featured in the middle. This created the perception that she was not the most important person at the event, and her career suffered irreperably for several minutes. However, Ms. Lopez accepted the photographer’s genitals as an apology from the magazine in lieu of litigation. We would be more than willing to prostrate ourselves on Ms. Carey’s throne in such a way.”

Goldstein was unable to respond further because he was called away to negotiate a photo-shoot of the singer taking a dump into a hobo’s mouth.

For decades, our nation has waged its so-called “War On Drugs” in an effort to eliminate the senseless socio-economic upheaval and tragic loss of human potential.

Efforts to combat this problem include rehabilitation, incarceration, interdiction and causing Roundup™ to rain down on the entire nation of Colombia.

Of course, these actions only treat the symptoms of the drug problem, so a lot of effort also goes into early education. If a generation of kids learns the perils of drugs at an early age, so the thinking goes, they’ll grow up into non-drug-using adults.

It is this education route that I think holds the most promise for success, but I don’t think programs like D.A.R.E. go far enough. It is insufficient, in my opinion, for kids to merely have a healthy fear of drugs; we need to cultivate a sense of loathing.

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