Rightfully So

It has become fashionable in recent years for families to gorge on a holiday concoction known as “Turducken,” a combination of a turkey stuffed with a duck, which is in turn stuffed with a chicken.

But what if you can’t afford three of the holiday’s traditional birds? What if you can’t even afford one? What if you can’t afford a home and have to settle for squatting under a sheet of plastic strung between two poles in an abandoned industrial lot?

Then you would be Harvey Shank and his daughter Vanna, two plucky indigents who aren’t letting their social marginalization keep them from enjoying the spirit of the holidays.

“‘Cause of the schedule we worked out where we eat every third day, we were going to miss Thanksgiving,” Harvey said as he exfoliated his arms with a hunk of tree bark. “Van was pretty upset, and I said ‘well don’t just talk about it, go catch us some food.’ And wouldn’t you know she came back an hour later with the plumpest squirrel you ever saw.”

But Vanna didn’t stop there. Spurred on by the holiday atmosphere and the prospect of starving to death, Vanna set out again and returned with a loveable stray mutt.

“That was a beautiful dog,” Harvey said wistfully. “He was like one of the family. So I felt like I was doing him a favor when I chucked him on the head with a piece of concrete.”

While Harvey skinned the dog and squirrel, Vanna set out in search of what would be the piece de resistance: a fat, dumpster-fed possum.

At first Harvey didn’t know how they would eat all three. “It was more food than we’d had in two weeks. But I thought, Hell, it’s the holidays, let’s splurge a little.”
Recalling a cooking show he’d seen on t.v. while in the waiting room at the free clinic, Harvey stuffed the squirrel into the possum, then into the dog.

After roasting the beast for several hours over two bic lighters they’d stolen off a corpse, Harvey and Vanna sat down to a banquet they will likely remember for years to come, especially given the serious gastronomic distress the disease-laden amalgam is sure to cause them.

But Harvey doesn’t dwell on the negative. “We don’t worry about what tomorrow will bring. We enjoy the moment.” For someone who will likely be dead before sunup, that’s the best attitude one could possibly have.

It is no wonder why children are always trying to cause trouble, because their toys are not nearly as cool as ours were. Recently I was browsing a local toy store looking at their action figure collection to see if I could find just one cool one. First I looked at the Spider-Man toys. Do you think I could find just a regular Spider-Man action figure? No. There was Aqua Blast Spider-Man, Rocket Blast Spider-Man, Soak ‘N Toss Spider-Man and even Spider-Man driving an 4-Wheeler. A 4-Wheeler!? What the fuck does Spider-Man need a 4-Wheeler for? I can’t think of a mode of transportation that would be less beneficial to Spider-Man than a 4-Wheeler. Next, I saw the Batman toys. Now Batman Begins was really good movie, so it probably has better toys right? Wrong. I see Ultra Armor Batman, Anti-Freeze Batman (which doesn’t actually spray anti-freeze at people), Inline Attack Batman, and Battle Cape Batman. Each Batman is more bright neon than the one before. Apparently the Caped Crusader likes to be safe when he’s jogging at night.

The last group of action figures I came across are the ones where the hero is stuck in one pose and has no moving parts. I can’t imagine a kid wanting to play with an Obi-wan that is permenently stuck in mid swing. I think these toys are only for computer programmers to put on their desk. So after thirty minutes of browsing action figures I couldn’t find a single one that looked cool and would be fun to play with. Maybe action figures are on their way out like many other toys before them. I mean, when was the last time you saw a toy made out of metal?

Now that interest only mortgages are becoming all the rage, mortgage companies have decided on a new type of mortgage. To qualify you must have two children who each agree to have two children of their own. These children and grandchildren would then assume the debt of your mortgage. Instead of a pyramid scheme which would involve unknowns, this plan keeps it in the family.

Under this new mortgage, called the FGP (Future Generation’s Problem) Mortgage, you do not have to make any payments whatsoever. Interest acrues for your children and grandchildren to pay. With this new option, you can afford to buy the 2-3 million dollar home, safe and secure in the fact that you can live out your remaining years in style, while pushing the 10-15 million dollar pricetag onto your children and grandchildren.

Fresh newlywed Stan Fielding is quoted as saying:

Finally, I’m getting what I’ve deserved since I moved out of my parents basement at the age of 32. If my wife and I can get twins, we’ll be on easy street.

This dirty little secret needs to be exposed. What are we going to do about the crap deficit? For the past few years I have been taking crap from all kinds of people (bosses, annoyed neighbors, holier than thou clergy,…) and I haven’t given a crap about practically anything. I decided to do some investigative reporting (making stuff up) and here is what I found.

When I asked Earl Pomfry, a mild mannered 60ish chimney sweep, what his thoughts are on the crap deficit, he told me “Who in the hell are you?” When I pressed for further comment Pomfry added “Get away from me now before I call the cops you little punk!” I could tell that the amount of crap that this gentlemen has taken has reached extraordinary proportions. I was bolstered to continue my search and found another candidate for my survey.

Buffy Caddington, a sophomore at UC (University of The City) had a response that was so poignant, that I feel compelled to provide the transcript of our conversation.

Buffy: Are you following me?

Me: Do you give a crap?

Buffy: You are aware that this is a VERY public place?

Me: Buffy, has this place given you crap while you have been here?

Buffy: How do you know my name?

Me: It sounds like you have some strong feelings on this matter.

Buffy: I’m going to back up slowly and get that rent-a-cop over there.

Me: I feel your pain and thank you for your honest opinions.

As you can tell, people all over the world feel the same way I do. If this give-a-crap-deficit is not addressed soon, world chaos will overtake us.

Hot on the heels of the recent Sony-BMG XCP rootkit uproar, computer security researchers have discovered a new mechanism for Sony-BMG to protect their copyrighted content.

Speaking for Xytheros, an enterprise networking consultancy, Larry Goldenrod, Chief Technology Officier, says, “In my 37 years of software development and research, I’ve never seen this before.”

At issue is a new content protection system distributed on certain of Sony-BMG’s new audio CDs which seeks to stem the tide of casual music trading by restricting what consumers can do with their purchased songs. Says Xytheros’s Goldenrod, “This previous XCP mechanism was described as a ‘rootkit,’ but I would use the term ‘proxy server’ for this new technology.”
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Trying to shake off the winter blahs? Get out of the house and check out these upcoming holiday flicks.

The Sound of Music 2: Von Trapp’s Revenge

Watching Paint Dry Pt 6: Timmy’s Bedroom