Bush at CommencementThanks to the earth shattering journalism from the Associated Press and CNN, we finally find out the answer to the question that has been bothering the world for five years, what does Bush keep in his pockets?

As the leader of the United States, it seems that President Bush really doesn’t need to worry about anything. His staff buys him anything he wants, aides handle his phone calls, and apparently the secret service are nothing more than fancy chauffeurs:

He doesn’t need any cash, since his staff takes care of buying anything he might need. He carries no cell phone, either, since he is surrounded by aides who take care of dialing his calls. And why would he need keys since every door is held open for him and his car comes with a driver trained by the Secret Service?

This must be the hottest question since boxers or briefs, and me, being the responsible will do my part to list the contents of my pockets.

  1. pocket lint. Actually, I don’t know what kind of lint it is, but since it came from my pockets, I’m going to assume it is pocket lint.
  2. sixty eight cents. I should dig up one more penny. Sixty nine has such a better ring to it.
  3. keys. Nothing remarkable here, except that I probably don’t need to be carrying the key to a house I lived in 5 years ago, and the keys to a car I no longer own.
  4. one wallet. It’s contents could be used as the basis of a line of articles, containing my entire sexual history along with some highlights of the 90’s

For their next investigative article, I’d love to hear what Bush’s aides buy for him, and what kind of calls he gets….